Friday, November 6, 2009

Always
Bon Jovi

This romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Should I Continue Writing ?

After my downfall, all I write about is myself. And it is never ending. I don't know how long will it take for me to forgive myself. All I know is that my life is so empty now. I lost my will to write. Should I continue to write about all my crap ? Or should I just end this blog here ?
What have you done Calvin Cheah ?! Sigh...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Between love and hate is just one fine line.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Time Will Heal Everything

So much have happened. I am a completely different person now. Hopefully it is for the better. I grew wiser but it costs me alot. Physically and emotionally. Nothing much I can do now. And my beliefs and views on relationships has also completely changed. My anger screwed everything up. Before this, I was so ready for this big commitment but now, I don't really want to commit into love. I used to think of the future all the time. I just saw myself to be so happy in the future. Perhaps I think too much. And hope too much. I don't know if it is a good thing or not. I am not ready for it. Somehow I just felt that I am better off alone. I just lose alot of my faith. I made a mistake. I learn from it but I really regret it. But it is okay... I am still young and there's still plenty of opportunities to make mistakes. At least I realize my faults. I need to let this regret go or else I can't move forward.

My life is taken to a new level now. Perhaps with time and more wisdom, things will get better and better and I will be a better person too. I am still a little bit fuzzy and blur from this heavy blow. The concussion is still affecting me. With the situation now, all that I can do, is learn to love myself more. And focus on my studies. Time will heal everything.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Suicide

Accidental deaths is inevitable. But suicide. Damn. This post has nothing to do with the previous one. This is another death. So many deaths. Melanie in Australia told me that Lawrence jumped into a moving train. Smashed into a pieces. He is the only son. The parents had to collect his body parts. I really can't imagine that. It takes alot of courage to jump into a moving train. He left behind a note which he also take consideration of the passengers in the train. That's really disturbing to know. He's got depression. Sigh... he should've asked for help. I will be more appreciative of myself now. Depression is really a dark place to go. I've been there. It destroys everything. I won't let depression drive me into suicide. I am lucky to have someone there for me previously. Thank you so much. You probably saved my life. Again.. my deepest condolences to his family.
My deepest condolences.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Till Death Do Us Part ?

Yes.. will you marry me ? Haha.. Just kidding. Marriage was a topic that suddenly pops out in our conversation with my besties. I guess we are old enough and should actually start to at least think about this ? I don't know. It was crazy because we all don't even have a partner in our lives but yet we talk about this. We were just talking about how to do it and what should be taken into considerations. How much it costs. The more we talk about it, the more money it costs and the more pressure we have. Should we make it grand ? But at this kind of economy... perhaps we should save as much as we could. But yet, it is an important day in our lives. We still have honeymoon to think about. That's alot of money. LOL. Then we were talking about buying a house. Should we buy a house before or after a marriage ? I think before marriage. It will be better. And also how to divide the costs between our lover and us. What should be paid by the man and what should be paid by the wife. It's pretty detailed. Hahhaa. So now I want to buy a house first. Had much fun talking about it. So who among our group will actually marry first ? I can imagine all my friends wedding. It's gonna be so crazy. Hahaha. Angie and Eddy seemed so excited. As for me.. well you read my star sign. I'm definitely not someone you want to live with for the rest of your life. Still the feeling of missing something important in my life is there. I did a really bad thing out of anger. I regretted it so so much.

Virgo

Well, just finding out some stuff about my star sign which I find all of it is true. This all describes me at it's best. I am really hard to deal with. As a friend or a lover. It is best to not fall in love with me. You will have a very very hard time. I can assure you of that. You have been warned.

Virgo men, and Virgos in general, are probably the most misunderstood sign in the entire zodiac. On the surface, a Virgo guy can seem fairly nonchalant- that's when he's not being demanding. First impressions can be quite misleading, but it can take second, third and even fourth impressions to scratch the surface and find this man's good qualities. If you're thick skinned, it's definitely worth the effort.

Its unemotional appearance and strongly logical demeanor may be a bit disconcerting to some. In its approach, Virgo can sometimes make people feel inferior. Nevertheless, Virgo tends to be rather humble at its core. This sign prefers truthfulness and usually says what's on its mind, "tell it like it is", unless it is in a deep resentful mode. They love to be right and deeply dislike mistakes, always wanting to fix things. This sign is usually dignified and respectful, however may sometimes seem a bit stuck-up.

With the virgin's energy and foresightedness goes a concentration upon the details. Even the minor and the less significant things of a planned event are taken into account by the Virgos. As a result, Virgos move on very smoothly and happily through the life's path chosen by them. At times it is very much possible that the Virgos become so very obsessed with the minute details of life that they tend to overlook the broader picture and the wider aspects of life. But in most cases the cool headed and methodical virgins tend to control their obsessive personality by relaxing occasionally and by prioritizing their works.

Virgos get full points for punctuality and reliability. They would go an extra mile in helping you. Many war heroes have been Virgos, as this sun sign is identified with courage. People under this sun sign do not get addicted to things easily and stay away from over indulgence. A large number of mathematicians and scientists on the earth are Virgos, as this sign is high in intelligence.

Another positive aspect of your personality is that you will seldom enter anything without first putting a great deal of thought and examination behind it.

It is not always instantly recognizable but there is a restless side to your nature. You're always on the go and seldom will you be seen 'doing nothing' for any length of time. Your enquiring mind will seek stimulation through travel, study, reading or research type hobbies.

A Virgo male is very shy when it comes to sharing emotions. He finds it difficult to express him in front of others. It is important for others to understand that Virgo individuals are not outgoing by their very nature and will need help if they are to build confidence. A Virgo man would be far more fascinated with a person who has appealed to his intellect rather than his emotions. However at times, he can be exceedingly demanding and would ask his partner or acquaintance to prove their love for him time and again.

He is not the one to be overtly demonstrative and may appear cold and frigid at the first appearance. The Virgo is very observant and takes in the details of the surrounds very fast. Another peculiar trait of this sunsign is its critical ability. Nothing evades the eyes of a Virgo and he may be very quick to criticize. These often make them appear nagging and demanding.

A Virgo will be polite and can be an excellent companion in parties. They make a good social appearance. However, in reality they are often largely aloof to other people. This trait often leaves them with a restricted circle of close confidantes rather than a huge bunch of buddies. They often have a fixed, even eccentric set of personal ideals and little things can easily put them off. When being around a Virgo, it is best to keep from swearing, being sloppy or too loud.

Virgo personalities tend to have a liking for small pets, gardening, reading and other activities which keep them engrossed with minimum outside interference. Along with being keen critics, they have an appreciation for arts and you will often see Virgos are very happy to attend music or theatre shows.

Virgos possess many different traits that can give you an idea of how a person may be. In terms of personality, a Virgo is very reserved and will always avoid big crowds. The spotlight is not something that Virgos enjoy and they are very content hanging around the sidelines and taking in things. Because of this, their personality may lean a bit towards not being sociable but it does not mean that they must be avoided. They merely take more time before warming up to people but they eventually will give in once they have a firm grasp of who they are talking to. Obviously, Virgos can be extremely shy so you cannot expect them to be aggressive and go for what they want outright. They will always calculate the risks involved in their next move and if they think it truly is worth it then they will act.

The truth is that Virgo men make steadfast friends and loyal lovers. They like to surround themselves with people who share their values and like to keep a fairly predictable routine. The Virgo man dislikes clutter, whether it's physical or emotional in nature.

Perfectionists

A place for everything, everything in its place, and everything just so; that's the Virgo male's ideal. He seeks perfection in everything he does from his career to his hobbies. He also expects a lot from everyone around him. It takes a very confident person to withstand Virgo's criticisms and understand that he delivers them because he genuinely wants to help you improve yourself.

This perfectionist attitude can also seem overbearing at times when it appears your Virgo man wants to take control of your life. However, he just wants to help you put things in order according to his standards, and he really believes it will be the best thing for you.

Your motto could be "Perfect is almost good enough." On one hand, this trait makes you very employable, for you're not likely to do shabby work. On the other hand, you can be so finicky that you put limitations on your interactions and experiences before they happen. You'll be happier if you can learn to be selectively less critical, both of others and yourself.

Snappy Dressers

The Virgo male will, more likely than not, take great care with his appearance. He likes an attractive hair style, and dresses in clothes that compliment his typically fit physique. Ties are one accessory Virgo guys generally love to wear, and you'll rarely find this fellow in scruffy shoes.

He likes to speak properly with no slang. He hates laziness and lazy people. He always acts like a boring mature adult, but getting to know him, you will know he has his own charm. He is a kind and cool guy, but if constantly irritate with rudeness, ignorant, or stupidity then he will show you that he is annoyed.

You may see a guy in this Zodiac dress up in an old shirt and old Jean, but if you look carefully, you will see that his hair is neat and unconsciously he will touch his hair a lot. His desk is always neat and if he sees small scrap paper on the floor, he will pick it up or put it in the basket. People may think he is selfish, because when he says “No”, he really means it.

Reluctant Suitors

Remote is a word that is often used to describe Virgos in general, and the males of this sign can turn "remote" into an art form. They are definitely not the type to wear their hearts on their sleeves, but rest assured that they really do have a full range of human emotions. They just prefer to keep them under wraps most of the time.

A Virgo man is not likely to make his feelings toward you known until he finds no other way to avoid them. When he finally does show his cards, he'll do it in a quiet way that doesn't attract a lot of attention, but gets the point across.

Virgos have a shy personality. Due to their shyness, they prove themselves to be difficult mates. A typical quality of a Virgo is that the more he or she likes you, the shyer they would behave in front of you!

Forget their shyness and you'd find a Virgo loaded with intelligence and practicality. They are methodical in their ways and like things to be to the point. They are slow in taking action. They believe in analyzing their knowledge and using it to improve themselves.

The really fascinating aspect of the Virgo male's approach to dating is that he's usually attracted to his own opposite. Perhaps he finds completion with an outgoing, vivacious mate. However, once he has what he thought he wanted, he'll often find it difficult to deal with this kind of flamboyance on a daily basis. Romance can be a double edged sword for the Virgo man.

His woman has to be clean and dress well. He inspects any thing in details besides being a perfectionist, so you could be lying in your bikini with a perfect figure and he can suddenly comments you about your big feet. If you gain 2 pounds, he may comments you are getting too fat.

Before going out with this kind of guy, look at yourself head to toe in the mirror and ask yourself if you are really and entirely ready. Unless he dates a model, then he will have less comment. He is neat and tidy, so his life always in a schedule, a fix time to lunch, the same time to go home. He is well knowledge about food and conscious about nutrition, so you won’t see this guy eating a junk food, or strange and exotic food for sure.

You will see him in social events or party if only necessary. He is gifted with acting, so if he says he can not go out with you because he is sick, then you will belief him. He is a hard to please when it comes to what to eat, how to work, what kind of a woman to date. He always neat and tidy all the times, even if he is in the army, he will be the cleanest soldier in the camp.

Any favor asked, he will help but always in his own limit. The more he sees faults in others, the less he wants people to see his. If you want him to change his faults, try to tell him gently or he could take it as an insult. He wants love that comes with quality, so he only has a few loves in his life. Woman’s trick will not work with him.

Their logical nature tends not to leave much room for emotional expression. This being the case, one might judge the Virgo as being aloof or cold. There is nothing farther from the truth. Though they might not express themselves emotionally, they do express themselves in many other ways. They are loyal friends and faithful lovers. They tend to give as much as they have as this is their nature. This often leaves them open for heartbreak and to be taken advantage of. But no matter how often they are hurt, the core of their heart is a bottomless pit of forgiveness.

Passionate Partners

If you're lucky enough to make a solid connection him, you'll find no more loyal and caring a man than Virgo. Make him feel secure and loved in return, and he'll reward you by letting down his guard and sharing his deeper emotions.

With most of Virgo's emotions going on beneath the surface, it may seem hard to believe that this man can make an absolutely fabulous lover but he really can. He has an innate desire to please, and that perfectionist attitude certainly serves him well in the bedroom. They are very selective when choosing a lover. In a sexual relationship they are extremely caring but somewhat controlling, and have the capacity to make their partner feel like the most wanted person on earth.

Pure Virgoans find it almost impossible to let themselves being carried away fully by emotions. They always try to keep a tight control over their emotions. This is not because of the fact that they lack strong feelings. But they do so out of an unknown fear. They feel that if they let their emotional guards go down, and then the unwanted and unpredictable happenings may hamper their life style. In a long term relationship, pure Virgoans are rarely happy. But if they hit upon the right partner, then they prove to be the best partner. Virgos are loyal, faithful and supportive partners.

In terms of love, Virgos tend to be very choosy with their partners because they want to find exactly what they are looking for in a person. Usually, these kinds of people know what they want and they will not be content unless they get it. Because of this, it may not always be easy to match up with a Virgo. If you do, however, suddenly become the perfect match to a Virgo, you can expect your relationship to be very stable. Virgos will work hard for those they want and will strive to keep the relationship going. They can always be counted on to support their partners and will bring their focus and passion into their relationships. If you happen to get with a Virgo, make sure you can handle very intense people. They can be overly critical and that may lead to difficult arguments.

Virgos, while not really the jealous type compared to intense Scorpios, have their share of watchful eyes when they are committed to someone. Probably it is their fear of romantic instability that triggers jealousy. They are also not showy so don't expect an extravagant display of affection if you are dating a Virgo.

If he breaks up with a woman, he will also try to avoid all her friends and her environments too. He is very picky and every breaking up, he will be double careful next time. He can sweep woman with his charm, but he likes to keep his relationship like a friend. He likes a sincere self confident woman, neat and clean, perfect and tidy. A two “P”s, picky and perfectionist make a meaning for this Zodiac.

You do take your love life seriously. You are reserved in nature and it may take some time for you to build confidence in your romantic affairs but if you are ever disappointed in love, you'd not find it easy to get over it. If you want to understand a Virgo guy, it is very important to read in between the lines. He would require a partner who has complete faith in him and can appreciate the depth of his feelings and patience when it comes to achieving goals.

Virgos are innocent by nature. This is important to remember as they may not grasp things as quickly as others, but don't sell them short. Once they get it, they keep it.

All in all, this sensible sign can be misunderstood if you don’t know their true nature, but once you do, you can expect a friend/lover for a lifetime.

True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I Love You.

Halloween @ Tambun & Autocity

Today was pretty fun. Sams fetch me at lunch and we went to GP and hangout for abit at Starbucks. Online and exchange music and movies. Then took a stroll around looking at clothes. He said that I should wear more bright colors. But I don't really like to be in the limelight. That is why all my clothes are quite monotonous. I like black, white, blue and red. I like dark earth colors also. He say it is quite boring. But that's just me. I am boring. Somewhat.

We went to fetch Karen at 6 then went to Autocity to wait for the others. Gathered then off we went to our quest of eating the freshest crab in the world in Tambun. But we got lost in somewhere. It was so damn dark and it was Halloween. Pretty creepy. So we drove along the roundabout like 5 times and finally pick a turn. LOL. I was starving like a poor little puppy. Hungry and cold but we found it eventually. There was alot of people but they served very fast surprisingly. Everything was great except the fish. Not so great. The crab was awesome. We had so much fun smashing it like nobody's business. Crabs are all over me. It was heaven. I ate so much. Speaking of it makes me hungry again (Drools). It was pretty cheap and Samuel treated me. Thanks man. I really appreciate it. After filling our tummies, we went back to Autocity for some carshow. We looked at some insane car modifications. Dozens of heavy bassed music playing at the same time. GT girls. Some dancers dancing on top of the car. Ugh.. well I better not say anything. Filled with petrol fumes everywhere really suffocates me, but it was okay. Then we sat down for some drinks and talk and laugh. They are all crazy.

Karen thinks I wear makeup. =.=" That's the first time anyone has said that to me. Mistaking me for a girl has happened a few dozen times so it is pretty norm. But makeup... I really don't know what to say. She thinks I wear eyeliner too. Maybe it's because my eyes are just one line. I should try wear makeup sometime and go out. LOL. I want to see what will people react. Anyway, I will post up some pics tomorrow or something.

Many have asked me about my plans after my studies. Suddenly I just feel something is missing in my life. Something important and close to me. Something dear. I don't know. I just know I feel like shit. I don't really wanna think of the future so much now. My plans previously just went down the drain. It was really sad because I have really high hopes. So I am going to drown myself in work after my studies. It's gonna be all work, work and work. Debts, debts and debts. And lots of me time. It's 4 am now. I better bath and sleep. If not I will start thinking of the crabs again.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
Maria Robinson

Nothing

Suddenly I just feel that I actually don't know anything at all in life and love. With everything that has happened, I just don't know what is what anymore. I just feel so heavy. I lost so much faith and will. Perhaps I put my faith on the wrong thing. I never felt so disappointed in my life before. I need to do some soul-searching. I am keeping everything close to my heart now. Keeping my mouth shut. And many things I will just close one eye and let it be. All of this that I am facing is just the beginning of what is to come next. And I have a feeling that it will be much bigger than I thought. That's life.

Friday, October 30, 2009

True Friends

I am grateful to have friends that knows me more than I know myself. They always gives the best advices and I should learn to listen to them more. In my life, I do not need many friends. Only a few true ones that I keep by my side is more than enough. 1 loyal friend is better than 10,000 family members. You will be surprised how much Jerine knows me. She is so far away, but yet our hearts were never really apart. We could always just pick up where we left off anytime, anywhere. I was talking to her the other day via facebook despite her being busy with her thesis, she still took the time to reply me. Everything she said was extremely useful to me. To shape me into a better person. Of course I had to ask, but even if I didn't she will accept me for who I am. Even with the heavy sarcasm tattooed on my tongue. This is what real friends are for. I love them so much.